Fat Cow

I am visiting a friend in Utah for a week, and one of our favorite things to do is shop. Unfortunatly, she likes to shop for clothes. Shes got a muscular body and flat abs but is constantly complaining about how fat she is and how she doesnt like how she looks, while she tries on cute little clothes. I was able to find some things in my sizes, which are nearly impossible to find on the central california coast, where size range from double zero to maybe a size ten. So I take my choices into the dressing room and turn around to see myself nearly naked in a full length mirror. I was dumbfounded, and while I knew I was fat, I had no idea I looked like that.

My gut hangs out over the top of my underware like a large loaf of rapidly rising bread dough. It hangs out so far I could barely see what color my underware was. The side rolls between my armpits and the bread loaves weren't much better. My thighs are so big that even if I spread my legs as wide as possible they still touch.

I just stood there staring at myself while Maria told me to come out so she could see how I looked in the clothes I was supposed to be trying on. The size 18 stretch jeans, which I thought would fit but be a bit baggy, barely cleared my ass and was about four inches away from being able to button in the front. I put my old clothes back on and told her I needed to use the restroom as an excuse to get out of playing dress-up.

I am so disgusted with myself for allowing my body to get this way. How could I not notice?

Weighty Issues

I just weighed myself for the first time in a year and am horrified to see that while spiriling through this last year of depression I have ballooned from 155 to 196.5! Crap like this is exactlly why I dont own a scale. What a blow to the self-esteem.

My birthday is July 1st, so I have resolved to start a 'diet' of healthier eating. I watch enough Oprah and Dr.Phil to know that I am supposed to start by journaling what I eat in an average week in an effort to eat 'conciously'. No more junk food (or at least no more ice cream for breakfast).

I went through this about five or six years ago and lost over 50 pounds with the help of ephedra, but a few lousy people have heart attacks and ruin a wonderful thing for the rest of us. I will have to find some new pill to substitute for the will power and self control that I so obviously lack.

Medicated Oportunities

I think the medications have kicked in. It's been how long since my first and only post? Apparently exactlly the amount of time that it takes for 60mgs of Paxil to work their full glorious effect.
Wow.
No more spending the day curled up on the floor of my closet because I cant find socks that match. That alone is worth the price of medication.
Of course, I can only afford the medications or therapy, so the good doctor has been jettisoned. She advised me that it would not be wise to stop with the therapy, that I am really sick and need psyciatric assistance, however she did not think that I was so sick that she should continue to see me if she wasn't getting paid.
Ive got a prescription for six months of pills, at $80 a month, so Ive got half a year of feeling somewhat close to normal. This will be something new and different.