Fat Cow

I am visiting a friend in Utah for a week, and one of our favorite things to do is shop. Unfortunatly, she likes to shop for clothes. Shes got a muscular body and flat abs but is constantly complaining about how fat she is and how she doesnt like how she looks, while she tries on cute little clothes. I was able to find some things in my sizes, which are nearly impossible to find on the central california coast, where size range from double zero to maybe a size ten. So I take my choices into the dressing room and turn around to see myself nearly naked in a full length mirror. I was dumbfounded, and while I knew I was fat, I had no idea I looked like that.

My gut hangs out over the top of my underware like a large loaf of rapidly rising bread dough. It hangs out so far I could barely see what color my underware was. The side rolls between my armpits and the bread loaves weren't much better. My thighs are so big that even if I spread my legs as wide as possible they still touch.

I just stood there staring at myself while Maria told me to come out so she could see how I looked in the clothes I was supposed to be trying on. The size 18 stretch jeans, which I thought would fit but be a bit baggy, barely cleared my ass and was about four inches away from being able to button in the front. I put my old clothes back on and told her I needed to use the restroom as an excuse to get out of playing dress-up.

I am so disgusted with myself for allowing my body to get this way. How could I not notice?

Weighty Issues

I just weighed myself for the first time in a year and am horrified to see that while spiriling through this last year of depression I have ballooned from 155 to 196.5! Crap like this is exactlly why I dont own a scale. What a blow to the self-esteem.

My birthday is July 1st, so I have resolved to start a 'diet' of healthier eating. I watch enough Oprah and Dr.Phil to know that I am supposed to start by journaling what I eat in an average week in an effort to eat 'conciously'. No more junk food (or at least no more ice cream for breakfast).

I went through this about five or six years ago and lost over 50 pounds with the help of ephedra, but a few lousy people have heart attacks and ruin a wonderful thing for the rest of us. I will have to find some new pill to substitute for the will power and self control that I so obviously lack.

Medicated Oportunities

I think the medications have kicked in. It's been how long since my first and only post? Apparently exactlly the amount of time that it takes for 60mgs of Paxil to work their full glorious effect.
Wow.
No more spending the day curled up on the floor of my closet because I cant find socks that match. That alone is worth the price of medication.
Of course, I can only afford the medications or therapy, so the good doctor has been jettisoned. She advised me that it would not be wise to stop with the therapy, that I am really sick and need psyciatric assistance, however she did not think that I was so sick that she should continue to see me if she wasn't getting paid.
Ive got a prescription for six months of pills, at $80 a month, so Ive got half a year of feeling somewhat close to normal. This will be something new and different.

Attempting to Join the World

My therapist is always encouraging me to try harder to interact with people. It is hard for me because after the basic introducations I hit a conversational wall and can't think of anything intellegent to say. She says to introduce myself and then compliment the other person. If things go well I will only sound simple-minded. Usually I end up sounding like a stalker who has gone off their medication. In the dozen or so times I have tried approaching people in public it has never resulted in anyone thinking I am an interesting person that they would want to spend additional time with. If I am lucky they simply say thanks and politely turn away and pretend that I am not there. Sometimes they turn to their friends and start to laugh about what a dork I am. When I relate these anecdotes to my therapist she says 'You don't know that they were laughing at you, it could have been something else.' Then why are they looking and pointing at me?

Since interacting with people in person is hard for me, my therapist recommeded that I try on-line chat rooms as a way to interact without the pressure of being face to face. I tried that a few times, but it seemed like no matter what chatroom I went into it always devolved into sex talk. That's an entirely different level of malfunction I have, and it's not the first topic of conversation I want to have with someone. I can barely introduce myself to someone and pull of being 'normal', why would I want to talk about how long it takes me to have an orgasm? And if I don't want to talk about how long it takes me to have one, I really am not interested in how long it takes someone on the other side of my computer screen to have one.

So starting a blog seemed like the next best alternative, as I am interacting with the world and putting myself out there for others to get to know, which my therapist is continually telling me is a good thing, yet at the same time it takes away the immediate interaction aspect, which is where I tend to freeze up.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this. There must be millions of people out there in the world who are doing this, how would anyone find my blog unless I tell them about it? If a stranger does happen across it, are they able to write me back? I confess I don't really understand how this works. See, here is the part where I may have to interact, and I am freezing up...